An Ice Cube a Week Doesn’t Keep Your Orchid Chic

As a well-adapted, socially not-awkward individual, I naturally turned to houseplants as a main source of companionship. I regularly browse the clearance rack at my favorite local nurseries in search of plants to save. I propagate my pothos and succulents. I’m proud of my ivy for rooting into my windowsill to better stretch towards the light (I didn’t provide appropriate latticework after all). My 50-some-odd houseplants thrive, except for my orchids.

I’ve been gifted orchids over the years, and I have failed to keep each alive. I have tried ice cubes, root showers, varieties of food, breathey dirt instead of woodchips and moss. Yet every time, their flowers drop and leaves turn yellow.

Why are you so elusive dear orchid? Is it my resting bench* face? Do you need more smiles? Laughter? Song? Should I re-enact a rainstorm for you? Should I steam you in the bathroom while the shower boils? Wiggle a petal. Please. Tell me what you need.